How to help other people with stress, anxiety or depression.
Someone recently called me to ask for advice. They have a friend who is struggling with mental health problems, and they wanted to know what would be the best way to help.
I see plenty written for people who are directly suffering, but not so much for those around them, which is kind of a problem as mental health can be a pretty daunting subject when you don’t have any knowledge of it!
Being around someone with stress, anxiety or depression can leave you feeling trapped; you don’t want to say the wrong thing in case you accidentally make things worse, but you also don’t want to do nothing, in case that makes it worse too! I thought writing down the best advice I could come up with would be a good start. I tried to keep it short so it’s easy to remember.
These are in priority order, with most important first.
- You are not responsible for their illness.
- Encourage them to seek qualified help.
- Check in regularly.
- Don’t offer advice.
One: You are not responsible for their illness.
It’s wonderful, perhaps even critical, to have friends, family or colleagues around you who care. If you’re reading this trying to work out how you might help someone, know that just caring is a big deal.
This can be an exhausting time for loved ones and friends. Everyone’s illness is different, but for some who suffer it puts immense stress on relationships as they struggle to feel like themselves and can fall in to self sabotaging behaviours, often pushing away those who are trying to help.
It’s important to remember that this isn’t your illness and you aren’t their doctor. You can’t fix them, no matter how hard you try. It’s okay to take a break!
If you take nothing else from this article, please remember that keeping yourself in good shape so that you are able to still be there for them in the future is the most important thing for you to do.
Two: Encourage them to seek qualified help.
Next most important thing; make sure they find some professional help.
If you’re in the UK, as I am, their GP will be qualified to help. There are a range of treatments available, some of which a GP will administer directly, and some of which they will give a referral for. The doctor is the right place to go.
One thing to bear in mind is that it’s a good idea to go early, so encourage them even if they’re not sure. I don’t mean that they should go before breakfast, of course, I mean that they may not feel worthy (or unwell enough) for this type of help, so if you can do anything to normalise this kind of treatment, then do.
Here are two things that might help nudge them:
- They may be referred for counselling, but this can take 6 weeks or so to arrange. It would be better to start this process earlier, before they think they definitely need it, than later when they can’t cope any more. Six weeks feels like a long time when you’re on your knees and feel like you can’t keep going; but cancelling with a week or so to go if they feel it’s not needed it is hurting nobody.
- If they’re among the group of folks who like to save our NHS money by not using their doctor until they’re really sure they’re ill, just remind them that one early appointment for prevention could save ten appointments later once they’re in a real mess. This one worked on me, by the way, and I’m grateful.
One other thing to check on is whether their employer has any kind of assistance programme available. Experian does, and there’s a phone number that’s published enabling us to access 24x7 support. Some companies are better at doing (and publicising) this stuff than others, so it’s worth encouraging them to double check. If in doubt, the HR team is normally best to answer.
Three: Check in regularly.
Often people who are struggling feel like they’re a burden, or that they’re in the way of people around them. It can feel like a huge deal to just call someone and try to talk when you’re feeling awful about yourself and everything around you.
Receiving a message or a call from someone, even if it’s just about the weather, can feel like a lifeline from the outside world - it makes such a difference not to be the one who has to pick up the phone first.
If you can drop in on them every now again, and make sure they don’t feel obliged to respond or pressured to talk, you’ll be doing a lot of good. If they want to talk, even better, but don’t try to force it. Just be there, nothing more, nothing less.
Stuck for words? Try “Hey, how are you doing?” - no need to get complicated.
Four: Don’t offer advice.
The title of this section is slightly misleading, but I’m catering for people who skim read.
Be very careful with this final one. It’s last for a very good reason, and you’ll have to use your judgement to know whether you’re going to be well received or not. Some people, or even just some of the time, will feel judged or that you’re minimising their illness if you try to offer any kind of direct practical support. If in doubt, don’t do this. Just being there is more than enough.
If you have a good relationship with this person, you understand their situation well, and you’re very confident that your words will be well received, then encourage them to make sure they’ve hit all of these basics:
- Sleep (8 hours, yes really)
- Eat well (and avoid alcohol - it’s a depressent)
- Exercise (just a walk is good, whatever they can do)
The way to think about these is like a minimum standard. Getting them “more right” won’t make any difference, and you can’t expect to cure mental health issues just by doing these things, but if you aren’t able to get these things right then everything else is going to be much much harder.
There are some important things to note:
- If they’re struggling to sleep because of their illness (this is quite common) then reminding them that they’re not getting enough sleep is a bad idea.
- Don’t try to discuss diet if you have reason to believe they have any kind of eating disorder, just make sure they’re getting professional help.
- Exercise means different things to different people. Just a short walk outside is plenty if they are able, and if you could do this together that might be a good way to encourage them without imposing.
In case there’s any doubt at all, stick to the title of this section and just don’t offer any advice. Looking after yourself and checking in on them frequently is plenty.
Want to read more?
I recently wrote an article about how I used goals to help my recovery; it’s longer than this one, but if you’re interested in mental health, or using goals to improve your performance, you’ll probably find this one interesting: